It’s been a bizarre year. I kind of feel like I’m lost in a haze and can’t even figure out what’s real and what’s pretend anymore. It was a year of heightened emotions. When things were good they were great but when they were bad , it took everything I had to keep going.
By the end of the year all I wanted to do was run away. Escape. Start fresh. After many tearful conversations with my husband I started to realize that a fresh start doesn’t mean I need to move away and leave it all behind.
I think my fresh start needs to come from a change in priorities. What I was doing wasn’t working for me. I made a lot of mistakes last year. I’m working through them. I’m moving forward. But I think in order to make sure there’s a real change, my focus needs to be on the right things.
I had decided last year that what I needed was to be busy. Busy gives me purpose, it keeps me occupied, it distracts me so I don’t have to deal with things I don’t want to deal with.
The problem with busy is that it not only distracts you from the bad, but it keeps you from enjoying the good. I was finally at a place in my life where I could do all those things that I wanted to do but never had time for. I would have enough time to finally feel like I wasn’t drowning with the endless tasks that had to be done in the 1.5 hours, 2-3 days a week that my son was in preschool. And instead of finally being able to breathe and enjoy that time, I decided busy was what I needed to be.
But what’s so wrong with enjoying the moments? We sensationalize busy all the time. But it costs us so much. It’s like we aren’t enough if we aren’t frazzled and sleep deprived. We need to be everything to everyone. Super mom, super wife, super business woman. But who are we working so hard for?
Am I doing it for my family? I’d say no. I never see them. I may be in the same house but I’m shooing them away because “Mama has to work!”. I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none. I was miserable. I was stressed. And instead of enjoying my time with my family I was pushing them away. And the busier I got the guiltier I felt. The guiltier I felt the more I pushed them away, the farther I pushed them away the more I made bad decisions. The more bad decisions I made the guiltier I felt. It was a terrible cycle.
So why can’t I just be “Mom”? Why do I feel the need to be “Super Mom”? Why do any of us feel the need to be Super Mom? “Mom” is the most important title you could ever have in life. You want to motivate, inspire, change the world? Why not start with those little humans you’re raising at home. They are your most important contribution to the world. So instead of trying to be everything to everyone or doing everything to earn the “Super Mom” title, I’m going to focus on being “Mom”. That’s all my kids really want anyway. They want my time, they want my presence, they want my love.
And my amazingly patient, loving and forgiving husband…well he was getting the absolute worst of me. So it’s time to change up my priorities once again. I’m focusing on my marriage because that’s number one. Next, I need to make sure I’m really there for my kids. And last but definitely not least, I also need to make sure I’m taking care of myself.
So my focus for this year is set. I’m putting last year behind me. I’m making a change. I’m taking my escape. It just so happens that I can stay right where I am to do it. Because where I am now is exactly where I need to be.
And all those mistakes? Well…they’re birds now.